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Friday, November 16, 2012


Charlie Sheen vs. Washington D.C.

Was the actor's show at DAR a bi-winning night or a violent torpedo of FAIL?

Photo Credit:Alfredo Flores, Special to Metromix

Jeffrey Ross winning, Charlie Sheen losing...big time. The combination of these two men was not epic, but also not a flailing disaster as Sheen’s tour has been in other cities, mainly due to Ross salvaging the show by insulting the actor repeatedly as only the comic/roastmaster could do. Sheen was 67-minutes late to his own performance, understandable as he had to return to Los Angeles for a custody hearing over his children just hours earlier. “I hope you had a better f***ing day than I did. I think my tardiness gave you a chance to drink more,” said Sheen, the only one-liner that got a tremendous response by the belligerent and drunken crowd of young professionals. Despite the late start, Sheen was greeted to a raucous standing ovation as he entered from the back of the near-capacity 3,700 at DAR Constitution Hall, high-fiving fans along the way and sporting a Washington Nationals Ricky Vaughn jersey (from his role in the “Major League” movies). But it was all downhill from there. WBIG (100.3 FM) host Tommy Griffiths played the role of enabler, lauding Sheen for his recent outburst, basically kissing butt for all to see, and at one point asking him what makes a Warlock. “Magic. I sold this place out in 10 minutes and you didn’t even know what the show was about. How about that for f***ing magic!” (Note: Tickets for floor seats were still on sale as late as last week.) Regarding his mixed reviews about the tour, all Sheen had to say was, “In some cities this thing was a witch hunt. I never claimed this thing was anything. I was asked if I wanted to go on tour, sure I’ll go on f***ing tour, whatever that means. I’ve done 12 cities, and I’m 10 and two. That would lead the league in my opinion.” Then the rants started, from blistering attacks on his ex-wives and studio execs of “Two and a Half Men” to boasts about a pseudo “presidential” run with Nick Cage as his running mate. “At least I was f***ing born here. I didn’t Photoshop my birth certificate,” Sheen said, a dig at President Obama’s alleged fake birth certificate. Shortly after, he was showered with heckles, which were heard loud and clear. “Say something funny!” “Shut the f*** up and say something weird!” “Entertain us!” “F*** you Tommy!” (Even host Tommy Griffiths was heckled ruthlessly.) Then, mercifully, a six-minute intermission came. Sheen left the stage and so did a good percentage of the audience. After the break, Jeffrey Ross came to the rescue by starting off the roast of Sheen, which the "winning" actor took in stride: “Just when I thought DC couldn’t get any slimier, you come along. Consider this a comedy intervention,” Ross started out with. “How do you roast a f***ing meltdown? You say you’re a warlock from Mars. I’ll tell you what you’re not—a comedian from Earth.“ “I’m used to roasting classier people, like Flava Flav and Courtney Love.” “You’re the black sheep of the family that was responsible for three "Mighty Duck" movies.” “You should go visit the White House, which also happens to be the name of your nostrils. “ “Your nostrils are so full of coke, they call them the Hilton sisters.” Then a dozen selected audience members were given the chance to ask Sheen anything. All questions were bizarre, which ranged from how many black women he’s slept with, where to find good cocaine in the city, to the size of his penis. “Keeping with the theme, it’s the (size of the) f*cking Washington Monument.” In a strange night, where the only "celebrities" on hand were ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser and White House party crashers Tariq and Michaele Salahi, weird questions were apropos. The 90-minute show ended when he was asked if he wanted to return to “Two and a Half Men.” “Of course I want my job back. I told the show, you guys were lucky to have me here. Shame on you. F*** off. It’s the same thing I say about my ex-wives. But thank you Washington. I’m lucky to be here. Shame on me for not coming here sooner, now I’m going to f*** off.”

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